Friday, December 25, 2009

hope (merry Christmas!)

There's a song in the air!
There's a star in the sky!
There's a mother's deep prayer, 
And a baby's low cry!
And the star rains its fire
with beautiful song, 
For the manger of Bethlehem cradles a King.
"A few years ago a striking Christmas card was published, with the title, "If Christ had not come."  It was founded upon our Savior's words, "If I had not come."  The card represented a clergyman falling into a short sleep in his study on Christmas morning and dreaming of a world into which Jesus had never come......
In his dream he found himself looking through his home, but there were no little stockings in the chimney corner, no Christmas bells or wreaths of holly, and no Christ to comfort, gladden, and save.  He walked out on the public street, but there was no church with its spire pointing to heaven.  He came back and sat down in his library, but every book about the Savior had disappeared.
A ring at the doorbell, and a messenger asked him to visit a poor dying mother.  He hastened with the weeping child and as he reached the home, he sat down and said, "I have something here that will comfort you."  He opened his Bible to look for a familiar promise, but it ended at Malachi, and there was no gospel and no promise of hope and salvation, and he could only bow his head and weep with her in bitter despair.
Two days afterward he stood beside her coffin and conducted the funeral service, but there was no message of consolation, no word of glorious resurrection, no open heaven, but only "dust to dust, and ashes to ashes," and one long eternal farewell.  He realized at length that "He had not come" and burst of tears and bitter weeping in his sorrowful dream."

"He comes to make His blessing flow, 
Far as the curse is found!"

We now have hope and without it, life would not make sense.

-"Streams in The Dessert" (Mrs. Charles Cowan)

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

love reality

I seem to come to a place often where my fingers are itching to write and at the same time I have no earthly clue what to write about!  I mean, there is a lot to write about but then again where do I start or what is on the surface of my heart?
I am at a place in my life that is adventurous, creative, unknown, discovering, learning, knowing, believing, uncertain...walking and sometimes leaping as I dance through this beautifully rich life.  And I am learning that embracing that is freedom--- True freedom...jumping off a huge tree swing with your eyes closed, feeling the wind on your face, your body free-floating in the air long enough to almost feel like you may never come down and then opening your eyes at the right time to communicate to your feet where to land in the last few seconds of letting gravity pull you back down.  Whew!  You land.  And what you experienced was exhilarating!

I read an article today that just spoke so profoundly of the reality of relationships.  We as human beings long for that certain someone and when we think we find the the "perfect" one, we then realize they are not perfect and move to the next one or just give up.  We are constantly disappointed because in fact, we are realizing (and some may never realize it) that there is indeed no one that can satisfy our need for a perfect understanding of who we one.  Not our mother, our father, our brother or sister, our closest friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or one.  There are definitely dear people in our lives that understand and are willing to listen and encourage and to emote with you because they too desire the same longings, but that is all.  Community... friends, family, companions....are here so we can push each other forward in our brokenness and our we do not have to be alone.  However, we are all here to experience life to together NOT to save one another or even fulfill the aches and pains of our deepest needs and hurts.....and here is where our Father comes in.  I must say, the way He designed this world is perfect.  It's perfect because all the things we desire here on earth that we try to meet in so many different ways, do not end up fulfilling us at all.  They only end in disappointment because we then come to the end of ourselves and realize nothing can really satisfy our needs and we truly desire someone greater than ourselves.....someone who also saves us from ourselves....and someone who understands us perfectly....who knows every hurt and every need....and can in fact, meet those needs because He is indeed perfect, and He is indeed the Savior, and He is indeed our lover, and He is indeed the Creator of our minds and our hearts.  Everything, beautiful and painful here on earth, points back to the Creator.  Every relationship here on earth, only shows us how fallen we are and how much more we need a Savior.  And coming from a person who is far from perfect when it comes to relationships in every form that they may come, I desire them in my life.  They show me how to love, how to hurt with, how to sacrifice, how selfish I am, how to encourage and how to laugh with......and most of all, how I need my Savior more than I will ever need anyone else.  

Here is the passage I mentioned earlier.  I believe it expresses the reality and also the sheer beauty of relationships.....

"....In the end, it seems to me that forgiveness may be the only realistic antidote we are offered in love, to combat the inescapable disappointments of intimacy.  There are moments when I can almost see the space that separates Felipe from me---and that always will separate us---despite my lifelong longing to be rendered whole by someone else's love, despite all my efforts over the years to find someone who would be perfect for me and who, in turn, would allow me to become some sort of perfected being.  Instead, our dissimilarities and our faults hover between us always, like a shadowy wave.  But sometimes, out of the corner of my eye, I catch a glimpse of Intimacy herself, balancing right there on that very wave of difference---actually standing there right between us---actually (heaven help us) standing chance."
 -Elizabeth Gilbert (and yes, this passage was found in the January issue of the Oprah Magazine...God can speak through rocks! okay???)

Monday, November 23, 2009


Here is some great poetry......

(this was taken by my house in nashville with my iphone and it wasn't retouched or nothin'!)

"praise the Lord, o my soul.  
o Lord my God, you are very great; 
you are clothed with splendor and majesty.  
He wraps Himself in light as with a garment; 
He stretches out the heavens like a tent and lays the beams of His upper chambers on their waters.  
He makes the clouds His chariot and rides on the wings of the wind.  
He makes the winds His messengers, flames of fire his servants.  
He set the earth on its foundations; 
it can never be moved.  you covered it with the deep as with a garment; 
the waters stood above the mountains.  
but as your rebuke the waters fled, at the sound of your thunder they took flight; 
they flowed over the mountains.  they went down into the valleys, to the place you assigned for them.  
You set a boundary they cannot cross; 
never again will they cover the earth.  
He makes springs pour water into the ravines; 
it flows between the  mountains. 
 they give water to all the beasts of the field; 
the wild donkeys quench their thirst.  
the birds of the air nest by the waters; 
they sing among the branches.  
He waters the mountains from His upper chambers; 
the earth is satisfied by the fruit of His work...."
psalm 104:1-13

Friday, November 20, 2009



right now I am enjoying my room for the first time.  i am not sleeping in it.  i am not cleaning it.  i am not looking for clothes to wear.  i am not even trying to decorate it.  no… i am simply on my bed and enjoying the candles that light up my room only enough that I am able to see the figures that stand around them…. 

the music drifts in from my ipod that is playing in the living room right around the corner. most of the house right now is filled with the flickering light of candles. why are candles so amazing?!  they are one of the most simplest things in life and yet with even one candle lit in a dark room, immediately hope bursts forth.

as i look around my room i notice the beauty of each artifact, (others may call clutter), on my fireplace and dresser drawer.  with the candles lit you can see each item for the beauty of what it is.  candles create shadows which then creates definition and i am seeing that right now. with a light bulb, you can definitely see things better but everything becomes one dimensional or flat.  i rather see things in 3d.  not to say i won’t ever use a light bulb, cause i will.  i just hope that i will use my candles more..... 

their stillness stills me.  their simplicity calms me.  their beauty inspires me.   they have also wooed me into my room to just simply be and for that i am thankful.  i am hoping to do this more…..

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Writing Pangs

I am sitting here in my office at work. The computer screen that lights up my face, stands against a one-sided mirror. It is very entertaining watching people come in and out from their luxurious spa services. Every human gravitates to the mirror and it is very entertaining watching each person examine their newly pampered selves....

I am grateful for this time to write. It gets very quiet here when the employees are doing their jobs well and the guests are tucked away in their beautifying chambers of relaxation.

It's quiet now. So I will write. Why not?

I actually don't know what to write about but I cannot just sit here mindless.....

Here is something I have been thinking: I feel like the older I get the younger I feel and the more confindent I am but also knowing that I still have so much more to learn!!!

Get it?? haha!
How can I make exactly what I'm saying a little more profound?......ummm.....

well, here are two words:

1.) humilty


...realizing life is meant to be lived....with the pain, the heartaches (and oh boy they hurt, but the way God heals in His timing is really it is...after the fact of course...), with laughter (not taking myself too seriously. why am so hard on myself when my Savior is not even that hard on me??...actually He's not hard on me at all!), with the liberty to explore and create (to walk into the things that are embedded in my heart to do and trust that my Lord will pave the path He desires for me to walk down as I do just that), with faith like a child (to know I am human and to know I am created in the image of the God of the Universe....there should be security in that alone.)

In the words I once heard my very good friend use, "I desire to dance my way through life!"

And that I shall:) If we live one life, there should be no reason at all not to dance! Dance so hard that even when you fall, the pain you feel is way more bareable than the pain you are experiencing from laughing so hard.....

I have heard this scripture more than you know but I know for a fact it's true..."The joy of the Lord is our strength."

Life is my dance and laughing is my Lord........

ok then:)

Monday, November 9, 2009

frayed sleeve.

-the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing...
-moral or ethical quality...
-qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity

 it's his frayed sleeve that strikes me in this photo.  the first word that popped into my head was, character.  this photo rests in a book, also a blog, by the name of, The Sartorialst.  maybe you have heard of it....supposedly it is one of the most popular blogs today!
i understand why.  it is a book/blog about fashion but more so about people.  a person's style can say so much about themselves and scott schuman creates an exceptional way of doing just that! 
listen to me! i sound like i am writing a critique on the guy! 
back to this precious photo. i like it.  i like it because it shows character.  not only in the suit but also the character of this man who gracefully wears it.  it states in the short article that this "good lookin" suit was worn by this man's father.  i think it says something of this man to wear his father's old suit.  it also says something of his father.  we may never know their story or what took place when his father wore it and what has and will take place when he wears it but what we do know by looking at it is.....

Friday, November 6, 2009

One man's heart.

This is my all time favorite photo! Taken by my grandfather, my mother's father, with probably a simple camera.
Laying here, on the dock, is my mom when she was 4 and her mother. I never met my grandmother but we share the same name and I am sure some other character traits that stream through our blood.
Some Whitaker family history:
Georgia ran away from home when she was 18 along with her sister who was 16. Their father married a woman who carried around with her the wicked-stepmother-syndrome. I guess the best thing to do was run. Georgia really had no where to go so of course she met a man, Furman, aka my grandfather, and married him. So, Furman found a woman who was beautiful and needy and Georgia found a man that longed for beauty in his bachelor lived life. Furman was a sailor and yes, he carried around with him a "sailor" mouth and was drunk often. No one in the Whitaker family had a good relationship with him, even his very own wife. Whether they married for true love or not, we will never know, but God's grace is more than enough through every life story and because of His grace in the Whitaker family, my mother was brought into this world.
Their family was dysfunctional, as all of our own, but I believe this photo captures the life and grace that was woven into my mother's childhood. My mother has received a lot of pain and hurt from her family but she has also received quite a lot of memories that make her smile every time she shares them to me and my brother. She grew up on the water, always wet, eating grapes on the beach, running around with her aunt's ten children, and then again hearing her father yell out at her profanities while adjusting the sail on the sailboat. She laughs at that now.
.......And back to this glorious photo. I believe creativity expresses the grace of God. My grandfather was rough and touch and did not love my mother and her family very well but he had a beautiful side to him. His eye for beauty is evident in this photo along with the many other photos I have seen of his. His actions did not show his hidden love for his family but look at this photo on this page......his love is seen right here......
.......his heart through the eye of the camera.....I just don't think he was brave enough to show it any other way.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Whole Foods.

Whole Foods.  Listening to Pandora Radio.  Coffee sitting next to my computer.  On the second floor looking out of the giant glass windows.  
I see a gentleman wearing the famous YMCA t-shirt....oh! and there is another one!  Although, this YMCA shirt is a tan color rather than the stark white.  One man is crossing the street pushing the grocery cart that he was chasing after earlier when putting groceries away into his silver SUV.  A couple crosses the street, holding hands and laughing while a woman with long stringy auburn color hair is talking on the phone following the couple's happy trail.  
Every now and then I see the sun reflected off the blimp that is floating over the Titan's game.  It reminds me of an anchored sailboat the way it gently sways back and forth.  

The wind is the blimp's ocean.

There is a live band competing with the music playing through my headphones.  I don't know how much I can take of that.  
I look over to my left at the empty kitchen.  As I look through the glass doors, pass the long wooden tables and their barren chairs, I see 4 hand-prints stuck to the glass wall.  Three little girls run around and are fascinated with the jukebox that stands to my right.  One of the girls, probably about 3 feet tall, wears a pink, yellow, and green striped skirt that hangs down to the middle of her shins.  Black tights fill the gap between her black sneakers and her ankles.  Her blonde hair is cut in a bob and her bangs cover exactly half of her pale velvet forehead.  She trips behind me and whines for a little bit as she tries to keep up with her family's long strides. 

 Between greeting my curly headed roommate, flipping through the pages of The Sartolrialist, (thank you to my dear brother for this birthday gift), talking about The Sartolrialist and the crazy and also inspiring fashion photographed in this book about people, saying goodbye to my curly headed friend, answering a phone call from my blonde headed friend.....the day became night. 
My computer is running out of energy and like a negligent parent, I forgot it's one source of fuel. 
Goodbye until next time....

Monday, October 26, 2009

The Park.

Have you ever stopped? 

No really.


The definition of this, I believe, almost extinct word is: 
to cease moving, proceeding, speaking, acting, operating , etc.; to pause; desist

Okay.  So, think again.

I'm laying here on my yellow, blue, and green plaid blanket at the park down the street from where I live.  I must say, the weather today, Sunday October 25, year 2009, is the most perfect park-laying-reading-starring-at-the-sky kind of weather.  You know, the kind of weather that is cool in the shade but absolutely wonderful in the sun!

The sky is blue-blue.  The clouds are white and thin; thin enough to say they can use a little meat on their airless bones.  Some clouds remind me of the lines on music sheets while other clouds look like they have been airbrushed onto the sky's blue canvas.  

I'm surrounded by fall's trees.  Some trees already naked, almost more than eager to let go of the things of the past and to reap the fruit of last seasons experiences.  While other trees are still in their peak time of life, standing proud wearing their bright green, yellow, orange, and red colors.  I can hear them laughing with the children who play under their still shaded arms.

The sound of the planes remind me of my life in California.  The skies were always blue like today and living by the airport I was always hearing them.  I made it a game to find and count the planes hidden in California's almost blinding skies.

I am laying on my belly.  My feet are up in the air feeling the breeze through my chipped purple painted toes.  The yellow heated ball in the sky is making my clothes very warm and when it's almost too much to bare, the wind, gentle enough to sweetly move the thin grass-blades on the ground, cools me off.  For that I am thankful.  The park is very hospitable.  I know it is doing everything it can to keep me here.

Have you noticed?  The sounds at the park are nothing but positive.  I hear children yelling for joy while going back and forth on the squeaking chain held swings.....I hear the sound of people laughing.....I hear leaves being crunched and smashed under people's feet.  The birds do not stop singing their always happy tune and as I write right now, the train is whistling in the distance.

The park is also a very busy place for bugs.  I have probably seen ten different kind of insects either flying around me, climbing onto my legs, or landing on top of my water bottle.  And I accidentally killed a beautiful fat and furry bumble bee while swatting it off my blanket.  I am asking Mr. Bumble's family's forgiveness while they are probably holding his funeral right this second.  

I enjoy stopping.  I do not stop much but when I do, I am reminded to stop a little longer next time.....

I am refreshed and I am happy as I see a cute little yellow butterfly flutter by me.
My skin is hungry for the sun's rays and my soul desires to meet my skin's hunger.  So, I will put these pages down and lay my yellow #2 pencil next to them.
Well, hello there giant hawk soaring over my head...... 

Friday, October 23, 2009


i wouldn't call myself a writer and if you ask, most of my friends will say i talk mostly by using my hands.  i think that is why i danced for so long..... i was able to express ME where words could not.  even though i am not the best at the grammar thing, i will not let that keep me back from doing what i enjoy....and part of this enjoyment IS writing!
anyway, here are two poems i found in an older journal:
i remember where i was when writing both of these poems.  i was in a plane (as you will be able to tell) in this first one and i remember it being very warm....

Beneath me an enormous white velvet blanket covers earth; a small ball in the mist of the universe and its undiscovered territorries.
The Creator of the small beautiful and delicate rose is the same Creator of the vast sky that I look out upon and its broad sea of pure white puffy clouds.
The sun is radiant in all its glory. Strobes of light beam down upon the planes wing and creeps in through the small mouse-like window.
Warmth consumes my face.
I am at peace.
I am in love.
A smile of excitement inhabits my inner-most being and it rises and rises and rises.......until it reaches my lips.
My heart dances.
My Lover has captivated my soul.

this next poem makes me a little home sick...i was on my parent's front porch.  it was cold.  i had a blanket to cover myself as i sat on the white rocking chair and wrote....


Hearing an orchastra of crickets.
Lightning bugs dance in the darkness.
Shadows on the ground.
Trees stand tall and are sketched against the blackened sky.
The owls......hoo.....
Be quiet now.
Night is our lullaby.
Listen and sleep.....

my first do you say....."blogging"??

well, hello there:)  this is my first time on my very own blog!  i must say, i am proud of myself.  i really do not know how to work this but i will have fun discovering just how to do so!  
why am i starting a blog you ask?  well, good question and thanks for asking!  the reason i am taking a shot at this is because honestly there is so much in life that i am inspired by or broken by or just blown away by.......i am hoping this would be a good place to share the beauty i see and experience. if anyone happens to stumble upon this bloggy spot of mine;), i hope they would also be inspired and awakened some how to then carry it out in their very own unique and lovely life!
so, this is just the beginning of my world, my thinking, my life, spilled out on this thing called the internet or "blog spot". 
............................and here i gooooo!!!!!!